happy memories

HuRt``

2006-01-26T03:07:00.000-08:00

so hurt hurt hurt.....

love him soo soo soo much...

and he could juz so easily walk out that door..

no last kiss... no last hug... no last goodbye...

i miss himm dearly...

how badly i wanna hold him in my arms now...

i jus dunno how am i gonna continue my life living this way.

how can he do this to mi...

hais....................................

MiNg LoOn !!!! y???

2004-12-31T20:05:00.000-08:00

Hais... i'm so hurt, sad, no mood, numb, torn apart n confuse. i tink ming loon dun love mi at all lohs. i tink he juz wanna dat one wif mi den dun wan le, see... after we do he seems to can't be bothered wif mi sia. i'm fuckingg hurt... today wanted go count down wei le dis ting i fuckingg hell no mood. he kips yelling at mi.. showing mi his attitude and i hv to be the one go por him sae sry. i nr lk dat b4 to a stead lehs. hais.. i feel so sad lehs.. dunno y, i'm sooo not use to it. hais... i just cried my tears out. shld i juz end dis. or do i still gv it a try. i really lurbb him alot lehs. dun wanna let him go. cause sum how in my mind i feel dat he n mi can make it. but i dunno how? i dunno wat to do. i reali feel confuse. i'm fuckingg hurt onces again sia... hais... how i wish ming loon can treat mi batta... i fuckingg hell treat him damn gd sia. and wat i get in return his yelling... arggg... heard he gt fuck many different ger den dun wan le lehs. hais.. den heard he damn damn flirt... hais... dunno all dis true not. hais... reali lurbb him lots sia. i reali dun wan kana play le... can sum one juz hlp mi... wat to do wat to do !!!!! hais... sadssssss..... *my tears onces again starts to flow* HURT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and aso heard he gt SLAP ger... can scold ger upside down.. i'm fuckingg scared of him n i'm fuckingg scared of him cheatin moi feelings... WHAT TO DO ????!!!!!! arrrrrrrrrrrrr............................

I HATE MYSELF !!!!

2004-12-29T08:20:00.000-08:00

whats going on wif mi? i fucking hell let go of some one hu loves mi so deep. i soo hate myself sia. i've always wanted someone like kokyong. and fucking hell my heart chooses another. what the hell. me n kokyong been together for 1 month. during that one month i've been torn apart. kus i dun lurbb him. i onli lk him and i got tell him, but he told mi to slowly, so i did. i tot the feelin will grow. but instead nr... i hate myself. his reali a gd guy but the problem is his totally not my type. i miss keng wai badly. why muz kengwai my ex start calling him. i was half way to forgetting him and he calls. and i already had sum unsolve situation wif kokyong and he calls. it makes mi wore worst. wen kengwai called mi the memories wif him all suddenly return, i cried while thinking of him. hais. but me and kengwai is cannot happen lohs. if we 2gether tings will juz be back to normal. hais. den for kokyong hais. i reali dunno. maybe he n me not fated for now the timing. maybe few yrs down the road we'll be fated loh. he is reali a gd guy and he dun deserve mi lohs. i blame myself for going stead wif him. i shouldn't have so i wouldn't have hv hurt him so deep. hais... his the victim n i'm the bad guy. hais. fuckk mann!!! arggg !!! i'm so pissed of wif myself. hais. why sia. hais why muz dis happen, hais. den kokyong go around telling ppl, wau lan make me name smelly in bedok. hais. ppl in bedok who noes mi will now think i'm such person. I'M NOT A PLAY GIRL! that was past, i've already make amends. I MOST HATE PPL CALL MI DAT! i really hate. fuckk!!! and thats wat kokyong thinks n so many other ppl. fuck. how i wish i could slp n never wake up. really. i so hate everyone. they totally dun get mi. THEY DUN EXPECT MI TO FORCE MYSELF TO LOVE KOKYONG RIGHT? den.... what say i play him!!! arggg.... says he understands me? bull-shit!!! all craps... fucking bitches!!! arggg... i'm so fustratednow i can juz kill myself. wau lan, i regret stead wif him. all dis wouldn't happen. i wouldn't hv hurt him n i wouldn't make myself lk dis. hais. *stress* i feel so hurt so confuse. i've no one to talk to. hais. *sobs* how i wish me n kokyong were juz very very gd frens lohs. dats what i'll alwaes dream for. hais. but is too late. hais. i'm going to go report. and i after i cum back i will close my eyes and go to slp. and i hope after i wake up i will feel batta of myself. hais... and i hope i can move on wif my life. and try avoid going down bedok. since my name is already so bad. hais.. i fuckingg hell pity myself. ARGGGG !!!!! *sobs* reali feel lk crying for myself. celebrate a funeral for me. hais... =CONFUSE= *sobs*

DiD i mAkE a mIsTaKe??? dear dairy....

2004-12-22T07:30:00.000-08:00

Hais... pain is still in my heart, tears are still in my eyes, hurt is what i'll always be. i just break wif kok yong. And i dunno why i'm feeling so sad. wen i wanted the break-up! hais... it feels as though i've lost my mother. soo pain, so hurt. WHY??? i miss him sooo badly. i keep looking at his towel in my room, thinking of the times he spent wif me. *sobs* hais... sum more today is his b'dae lehs, i feel so wicked. hais... wau lan eh.. but just dat me got no more feeling le, i also dunno why, hais. hate myself! He & me 3 weeks 2 daes only... hais... & amelia a fren of mine is angry wib me. hais! i also dun care much le larr... so stressed up... if she was a true friend she won't like that de.. any how accused mi. hais. i dun think she is a true fren. But all i need is a friend to lean on to cry... hais... & sadly i dun have, all my frens are all pieces of shits. Only noe how to make use of me. i feel so torn apart! i juz broke off wib sum one who treats me so gd& soo many ppl dun wan me to end the relationship & i just lost a fren. i feel like crying out loud!!! *pause* Hais... just burst out my tears after hearin "all out of love" hais.. still hurt inside. still feel like crying sum more. how i wish got sum one here for mi to bao bao... reali feel like hugging sum one. *sobs* I feel so lost. HOW? i feel so sad hurt onces again. soo tong gu... veri veri de tong gu... hais.. i really dunno wat to do, i can't possibly kip slping. i can't run away frm crying... Tot by slpin early ystdae won't make mi tink so much as ystdai i felt reali sore after hanging the last col kokyong col. we ended it & i was like totallysilent. i was hurt, didn't bare to break but is like have to. i can't be sticking to him wen i dun lurbb him, it's juz so unfair for him. hais! i feel so so lost. after talkin to him.. rapidly, tears jus kips flowing down my cheeks. i was like askin myself why i was crying, my ans was i didn't noe the reason. it jus flow down... hais... WHY? i'm so lost, so hurt, so pain, so lonely. though i got lots of frens but i dun feel comfortable hugging or telling 'em abt my problems. i prefer amelia & samie... haix... but none are mine now. i'm so lost!!! *sobs* i find myself so poorting. Wen they nided mi, i was alwaes dere. Wen i nided 'em, they seems to be so far away frm mi... hais... I HATE MYSELF! really sumtimes feel like ending my life! really lohs!!! hais... Do you think mi n kokyong will be back together? haix.. lets juz let nature takes it course bahx. hais... i wanna relax myself le... crying the whole nite.. hais... i'm really feelin HURT! sooo LOST! 'confused' *cries* though i feel hurt i've hurt sum one so innocent n dat is him. hais. kokyong!!! if only he cpuld hear mi.. i'm so sorry!!! hais... i've hurt him even more den i've hurt myself! hais... i'm alwaes like dat de sia, letting go of sum one who love mi so deep. hais... no mood le... *lil ger's tears still flowin' down her cheeks* *cries* (-_-;) my heart is breakin' , it hurts real bad... haissssssssss..................... *tears*

His TrEaTiNg mI sOoO cOld Sia!!!

2004-12-17T02:00:00.000-08:00

i'm not sure whether i'm too sensitive or wat.. but is like he treatin mi so weird lohs... hais... fuckin stress up... arggg... being in a relationship sure do sux... this is our 1st 1st quarrel... i went bedok today... saw a bitch "JEAN" arggg... hu cares whether she sees my blog i not scared... aniwaes... den she came askin mi .. hey u n kok yong stead ah den i was like yahh!!! den she say but he like beri bz de hor ... as dough i dunno like dat.. den she say he onli monday off.. den i was like... eh shut up lahh... wanted to say lohs.. damn dulan wif her... argg... y not she my stead go hv affair larr.... arggg.... how she noe all dis.. confirm he gt chat wib her de lohs... hais... den aso my stead now so weird... cum my hs mid night dat tyme den instead pei mi he watches VCD!!! den after watchin until song den he say he tired wanna go koon... arggg... hais.. fuckin treat mi lk shit le lar... den he doesn't dote on mi ani more... seldom col mi... *sobs* larr... so i today msg him for a break up few mins later he col mi shoutin lk idoit... damn dulan lohs... i was half touch for him actin lk dis means he lurbb mi mah... (i tink) den hor he lk ask mi whether i still lurbb him den i said yess... but now i'm having second tots... tok to my fren amelia abt dis she lk support mi on ani decision i make... hais.. follow my heart.. now i having second tots on he n mi won't last lohs.. hais... he treat mi SO COLD !!!! ahhhhh!!! wat to do???? hais........ wat if my feelin disappear??? or fade??? (wateva)!!! same meanin... hais.... how???? where to find sumone hu so matured??? hais..... he sort of understands mi wor... wen i tink of dis happen... it juz bring back the past of my previous ex lehs... hais... stress larr... sum one hlp mi can??? *sobs*.... i veri dulan lehs he n the JEAN so close.... hais... den aso hais... dunno larr.... and aso hor kok yong my stead says i the one who dun lurbb him le... whereby actually is him... had a big sense he dun lurbb mi le or else wat for i ask for a break ting i so bo liao mehs.. hais... fuckk larr... argggg!!!!! den in the end i said sry lohs.. coz he cried on the fone... hais.. den i kip say sry... den he say he col mi later!!! hais... sian larr... wat to do wat to do !!!!!! I HATE RELATIONSHIP LIKE THIS!!!!...... till now i'm still waiting for his col... his hp low batt cannot call... now already 1.53am.. tink by now he finish work le... hais... and aso wan tink make mi not hapie is hp gt JEAN HP N JEAN HS... is ok lehs if gt HP no but HS??? WTF sia!!! arggg hais nvm larr... sua larr.... i intainting to gv up!!! shld i??? hais.... SAD GER..... hais..... *sobs* *stefie tears flow all over again* hais...

I'm So uNcErTaIn!!!~ hAiS !! wAts gOInG oN wIb mI???

2004-12-11T22:30:00.000-08:00

In 2 mOrE hRs TiMe... iS mI n My dEaR kOk yOnG 2 wEeKs lE.. =) aM hApIe.. bUt dUnNo y i nR hV dAt rEaL fEeLiNg.. =( sUmTiNg's gOiNg oN wIb mI n i dUnNo wAt.. hE tReAts mI dAmN gD sIa.. hIs mY dReAm bOi lehSsS... hE rEaLi cArEs fOr mI wOr.. bUt i cAnNot 4GeT mOi eX nIa.. hAiS. eVeRyTiMe i tInK oF mY eX i fEeL sO bAd... liKe i nOt fAiThFuL eNoUgH... i fEeL liKe i nOt wOrThY eNoUgH wOr.. hAiSsS.. sAd lArRrR... *sobs* i vErY sCaReD mY fEeLiNg wIlL fAdE sIa liKe mY oThEr fReNs... tHeY bReAk wIf tHeIr bF kUs fEeLiNg gOnE.. i bErI sCaReD.. i rEaLlY wAnNa LaSt wIb HiM.. aFrAiD i mIgHt sPoIl mY oWn dReAm.. sO i mUz tElL mYsElF hOw mUcH hE lUrBb mI... hE rEaLi tReAt mI liKe a lIl pRiNcEsS wOr.. lOls... bUt hOr aT tImEs hE cAn bE aNnOyInG.. eSpEcIaLlY wEn hE dRiNkS dAt tYmE wOr.. i HaTe iT cAnNn !!! OMG!! iT sTiNkS n hE bErI tOkaTiVe wOr.. nOiSy sIoL... lol.. BuT iN rElAtIoNsHiP tO kIp iT aLiVe n gOiNg sUmTiMeS bAd tInG mUz HaPpEn iN oRdEr tO bUiLd uP tHe LOVE !! nOe?? mUz AcCePt hIs gOoD sIdE n bAd sIdE wOrRr... 4 exaMpLe a QuArReL.. aFtEr aLl tHe yElLinG sHoUtInG FiGhTiNg iN tHe eNd iT eNd uP wIf a SwEeT sOrRy n a lOvaBlE hUg.. =) sOoOooOo sWeEt!!! =) lOls... dUn cArE.. aM gOnNa lAsT wIb kOk yOnG.. i'M gOnNa tRy aLl mY bEsT tA 4gEt tAt tOoOoPiD jErK.. =) *u Go GeR* lOls... =) mI n kOkYoNg iS FoReVa dE.. wOn't MaKe aNi sIlLy MiStAkE bUrN oUr lOvE n rElaTiOnShIp aWaY.. wIlL kIp iT gOiNg wOr.. hMmMm... SeEmS liKe eVeRy sInGlE dAe pAsSeS.. mY lUrBb fOr hIm sEeMs tO gRoW sTrOnGeR n sTrOnGeR... i'Ve lUrBb hIm n i'M nOt gOnNa lEt hIm gO sO eAsiLy.. =)

(( *v* ))stefie&kokyong(( *v* ))

DeAr DeAr KoK yOnG... MuAcKs!!!

2004-11-28T10:30:00.000-08:00

SiNcE yStdAi 27.11.04... i feel like i was fantasing on something i nr tot will cum tru... i dreamt dat one dai i'll find my Mr.right!! but i'll always tell myself dats juz only a dream. Amazingly... i no nid to dream no more... nor do i have to fantasize ani more.. =) i've found some one dat i noe for sure will last till the end... till death do us part i noe we'll still be holding on to our strong relationship. kus dough we're not long frens but wen i felt his warm arms on mi i felt as though i known him since foreva... and i dun wan it to end... juz wan him to hug mi 4eva till eternity. wen he hands were around mi i felt so happie... cold shiver drove up my spine... felt so loved... and i dun want this feeling to fade... =) hee... i reali lurbb him loads... and i'm sure i'll nr let dis relationship down the drain... i'll put my whole heart and soul to dis strong love of ours. and i won't juz say out... i'll confirm sure show out de... "Actions Speaks Louder Than Words" =)
lurbb you loads loads... won't make any small little matter jeopaidize our relationship okiee... i realli hope we'll be understanding couple and reali last... =) if we got tings not happie or uncomfortable or ani matter muz share wib each other ok? cannot hide kiee... kuz i realli dun wanna lose you....... =) mMmMuacks lurbb you... noe u lurbb mi too... *winks*

HaPie LiL SiNgEr~SmaLl gEr gEr~

2004-11-26T02:50:00.000-08:00

ok~ jacky is cannot make it le... noe why? he played mi out sia.. he gt girl friend liaos sia.. damn fast can... arghhhh!!! i'm bursting into a hot air balloon liao sia... hahaha... but noe y after all the bad tings happen i still put on a smile? kus i tink i'm in LOVE!!!! wif... erhmmm... some one i knew not quiet long ago.. but we chatted practikly everi single dai lohs... den gt chat on fone aso... for abt 5hrs... wow!!! amazing ah... haha... =) like... falling for him le... wahahha... the feelings was like i noe him since foreva sia... so happy... happy until cannot happy... now half tokin to him half ritting here... lols... oh yess... his name is MOSTER!!! haha his nick name... and KOKYONG!!! hee... english is... WALTER!!!! hahaha.... lurbb him soOoOOoO.... hahahha... but i scared... =( ... tink u all noe wat i mean wors... hais... see how lohs... noe him long long 1st... hee... but one ting for sure is can see his a faithful guy someone who will cherish his laopo loads loads... i tink... wahahha.... haha.... *blush* tink mi stop here le... its late... =) chaos....

GoOd NeWs!!!

2004-11-25T01:45:00.000-08:00

I STEPHANIE AGNES FONG LI XIAN FEEL SO MUCH BETTER AFTER ALL THE SUPPORT FROM PPL I DUNNO... AND YESS AH!!! GOOD NEWS... I'VE FINALLY GET HIM OUT OF MY HEAD LE... MUS GO CELEBRATE LE WORS... YESS AH!!! WEEEEE~~~~~~~~~~~~ LOLS..... I HATE CHAY JIAHAO... HAHAHA... OH! TINK I'M MAD.... I'M JUZ SO HAPPY FOR MYSELF LOHS.... WEN HE MSG MI IN FRENDSTER SAYING MEAN STUFF I DIDN'T FELT A TING MAYBE COZ MY HEART IS NUMB LE... BUT HU CARES... I FEEL SO FREE AND DAMN FUCKINGG HAPPIE.... LOLS.......................

He Replied~~~

2004-11-24T07:17:00.000-08:00

Hais~ he replied my msg le... and dis is wat he said.. "u don know who tell u liao than nvm i go find myself...... oo okok thank anyway i with her very happy now and i think we going to last long with her and let u all see lor k........" hais... dunno whether shuld i feel sad or not... ting i shoudn't... he'll be happy if i do... so i cannot sad.. but deep in mi .. i feel soOoo sore... hais... heart pain sia... hais... ni ways... musn't tink so much le... i wanna go koon le whole nite no slp.. hate him sia... hais...

I Muz Stay Strong~

2004-11-23T02:35:00.000-08:00

He still haben't reply mi (the frdster ting)... has.. wonder wat he will say sia... hais... i juz hope he n his gf gd la. i dun wanna tink abt him le.. more i tink more i dulan sia... today went bedok damn sian lohs. no money am so broke sia... i maybe patching back wif one of my ex call jacky.. his a guy which i nr cherish him. but onces i hv him back tink i'll treat him batta den how i use to treat him lohs. some more he damn yandao can... lols... haha!! see how lohs... let nature takes it course bahs... lols.. *sigh* now i hv to go change my MSN nick plus my frdster profile wait later if i reali back wif jacky den how... it'll be unfair lohs. somemore now i find mi n jiahao is reali the end le. he reali treat mi lk shit sia. cannot imagine myself loving a guy like jiahao so much. fucking hell he totally sux to the fucking core man... eek... imagining myself almost can kill myself for HIM!!! OMG!!! unbelivable sia... hais.. ani way... i tink i'm half way to the point of reali forgetting him le. wish mi luck ok? hais... so bored tink i'll go change my frdster profile or MSN lohs... tata~

ThInK i'm GoNnA gV uP le~

2004-11-23T01:36:00.000-08:00

Noe why i no hope in myself le mahs? well let mi tell u... i msg him on frdster and dis is wat i said... "erhmm... how you?? y hate mi ? can tell mi wat i did wrong.. =( er... can tell mi? erhmm... juz wanna drop by to let u noe.... er..... i miss u lohs *blush* dun angry wif mi alreadi ok? can at least stay frens not enemy? pls.... er....... sry dat i've hurt u? and to make u hate mi so much... sry... erhmmmm...... dun angry alreadi ok? abt weili dat ting... i was reali sad... i reali needed sumbody. n... i wanted to make u care 4 mi as in lk jealous but in the end u not jealous... u do back... u go patch wif sam... hais... hurt mi so... u noe... aniway noe u hate mi now... noe u find mi irritating... but juz wanna let u noe i still...... miss u... if u free can drop by my blog?? muz read ok??? http://pinkie26.blogspot.com kiee.. muz read ok? all 4 u one... er... take care.... i nr meant to stead wif weili reali wanted to wait 4 u. but after i heard abt u dun wanna patch wif mi nor sam instead wanna jio a ger col lili... i cry lk siao noe... hais... den ur bro say so many stuff i so scared... hais... aniways... sry 4 all the pain i've cause u... reali... erhmmm... take care... kiee kiee buaisSsSs........ =( frm sad litter ger......" dat was wat i said n dis was wat he said... "who the hell who tell u i wanna chio lili de huh u noe i break with sam liao ma cox of somebody said wat that i wanna chio that lili fucking ass cb tell me who tell u de if u don tell me i think we friend also cant be......." after i read dat last sentence i noe he gt not a single feeling for mi le... he didn't care n bothered abt mi liaos... i feel like i've been fooled... i feel soooo fooled.. like a tOoOpid toy... i feel so angry n hurt. and so i col my fren and my fren told mi not to tell him who told mi abt lili, so i was like hais... tell or dun tell wats the differences. and noe wat he now gt stead le.. a new one.. is like.. wen i heard abt his new ger, i was like... WOW!!! so fast... he juz broke of wif sumone n he has a new one... heard the ger was staying near him de... he went to ask for her no... n den... u noe... hais... wateva!! i feel so fooled man... i hate myself. feel like killing him. i feel dat i've let down all the gers face. so paisey lohs. i mean is like ... hais... dunno wat ta say ani more already dats y i kip telling myself wat a jerk he is.. made mi till dis state n he is not worth my love... OMG!! his so flirt... hais.. so playboy.. n i hate playboys... so i returned his frdster msg saying... "sigh... can't remember who said le... it was like how long ago liaos... den sum more mi wanna 4get all the unhappy tots... hais frens or not frens juz wanna say u muz take care lohs. erhmm... heard u gt new laopo le... muz treat her gd gd kie, see u happy can le... niwaysSs... wish u happiness bahx... mi won't bother u animore le... take care!!! = ( " ... dat was wat i said and end of story lohs... dunno whether will he reply mi or not but who cares... i juz totally hate him... hais but no matter wat.. i'm saying all dis coz i'm juz mad at him 4 treating mi dis way but the real ting is dat.. i still lurbb him and i'm gonna try to change dat love... i reali hate ppl like him.. so farking flirt... treat mi like toy... n to tink he said i treated him like toy... farking hell dat was juz his excuse man... is the opposite lohs. wau lan... i'm juz soooooooo mad....... Dulan........ argGgGGggG!!!! hais... but wat to do... man are all like dis... stinkin' jerks!!! wat else to say.. juz curse him kana bao ying!!! reali.. i wan him kana. arggg den he lost to a chicken ah... reali sia... soOoOoOOoO..... ARGGGGGGG!!!!! so HOT!

Truly~Madly~Deeply

2004-11-21T00:00:00.000-08:00

Noe sumting... it's been two days sinces i last saw jiahao. i miss him so much. i feel like running to his house and gv him a big hug, and tell him how i feel abt him. something bad has happen. and it hurts mi so to hear it. my fren amelia chatted wif him on MSN. den she told him how i feel abt him, saying wat, i veri sad, say i miss him... she like help mi say the tings i can't say to him. she was by my side. and to tot he would be touched or sumting. Instead he told amelia to tell mi to find someone batta n forget him. he said himself no good. den i was like... thats not fair... he judge himself wen i wanted him so much. i lurbb him so much. i wanna be wif him. i will treat him batta den anione has treat their partner, i will be the best!!! can't he juz gv mi a chances. i really regret so much to get mad wif him. = ( .... hais... Jiahao break wif his stead le.. to mi is like a good ting kuz i can't bare to see him in some other gers arms. but another part of mi was like sad for him kus maybe he reali like her? and i wan to see him happy... Is his stead break wif him de. kus the stead some how noe jiahao playing her. but it was the fact lohs. heard frm ppl lohs. but i'm not sure la. but... hais one ting for sure is... i miss jiahao!!! hais... i feel so sian liaos... like my life beri boringg.. i go out wif amelia was like hais fun is fun lar.. but was like we no place go den she is lk always tokin abt her hubby den i was like hais as a fren.. listening to her... =( hais... always wanna see jiahao.. and wen i bump into him in bedok seems like a different feelin le... Ohyahh!! he aso say to amelia say he hates mi?!! WHY sia??? wat did i do.... wen i heard dat sentences my heart juz drop... my eyes juz went glittery... felt like crying... hais... wat else to say... should i juz gv up?? but how? i lurbb him.... there's no crime loving another... hais.......... HOW???????

HURT by u noe who...

2004-11-19T21:18:00.000-08:00

Hais.. stress again sia... the whole last nite neber slp ton at fisherman village den col ppl ton my hs wif my bro frens plus one of my frens too... den is like we whole night didn't sleep... playing lame games.. such as monopoly... heart-attack... UNO... n etc etc... (-_-) zZzZ... was like *ahem* damn lame lohs... haha.. but it was quiet fun after all... lols... got to noe my bro frens pretty well lohs... weird thing is that after all the fun dat was happening.. still i dun feel the real big happiness, like i've said sumting was missing.. i miss him lots noe... wanna really hope can be back together wif him. really wan dat to happen.. but was like the nxt morning i went to work.. n it was my 1st time on the job. it was damn tiring.. can quit any time soon.. travel here travel dere sia.. sians... den was like after work me n my frens took a cab to bedok as one of my fren amelia was rushing. she needed to be there by 7.30 to meet her hubby. so was like i too wanted to see jiahao.. so i tack along.. but he broke my heart repeatedly again n again... i return me my hs key, coz wen we stead dat time i gt gv him de ma, for him to kip it. trying to tell him he has a place in my heart... hais.. he pass to amelia the key den of cos amelia will pass to me.. zhi tao my face change frm kai xin to a sad look.. eyes filled wif water... tears almost flow... but i told myself to be strong. but it still hurts deep inside... hais... i'm tired.. i'm shrek.. i'm lazy.. i juz gt no more strenght left to carry on my life... i feel so weak now a days... i really miss him... will he n mi hv a chance? but wat if i love him so n he doesn't feel a ting for mi... if he do has sum feelins 4 mi den y muz he treat mi dis way? hais... *tears* i'll continue other time... am really tired n nid my rest. i hope by the time i wake up... everything in my heart.. mind juz fades away.. especially all the unhappy thoughts.... hais.................

ALL OR NOTHING

2004-11-19T05:35:00.000-08:00

I know when he's been on your mind
That distant look is in your eyes I thought with time you'd realize
It's over, over It's not the way I choose to live
And something somewhere's got to give As sharing this relationship gets older,
older You know I'd fight for you But how I can fight someone who isn't even there I've had the rest of you now I want the best of you I dont care if that's not fair
first time led by Dan with Erik in background
Cause I want it all Or nothing at all
There's no where left to fall
When you reach the bottom it's now or never
Is it all Or are we just friends Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call You leave me here with nothing at all
There are times it seems to me I'm sharing you with memories
I feel it in my heart But I don't show it,
show it And then there's times you look at me
As though I'm all that you can see
Those times I don't believe it's right I know it,
know it Don't make me promises
Baby you never did know how to keep them well I've had the rest of you
Now I want the best of you It's time for show and tell
Cause you and I Could lose it all if you've got no more room
No room inside for me in your life
Cause I want it all Or nothing at all
There's no where left to fall It's now or never...........

Still Cannot Forget Him...JIAHAO

2004-11-18T03:49:00.000-08:00

It's been like 6 days since the break up!!! and frankly speaking i still can't seem to get him out of my head... i'm missing him every single minute.. second.. hours.. days.. nites.. hais~ how to get him out of my head sia... tell mi how? is like i feel i'm so weird... somethings strange is missing from my life lohs, is like i've got everiting... my frens... many suitors... =) my jie.. my kors.. money.. food.. n all.. but.. weird... y do i still find sumting missing. it hurts deeply... n wen i stop n think wat was the ting missing in my life i realised it was someone i've been missing dearly... who is jiahao... i miss him so lehs. till now i still cry... though i kept tellin myself not to, kip say dis will be my last tears i'll shed for him but... in the end.. i end up crying lots for him. to think i love someone soOoO dearly n he doesn't love mi a single bit. wondering wen will be the day i will finally 4get him lohs... WHEN??? i'm waiting... for the day to cum... hais. STEPHANIE LURBB CHAY JIAHAO TILL ETERNITY~ and that is the fact!! i'll love him till the end of time.. even though the sun burns out, i'll be there, even if the moon vanishes, i'll be there, even if the world ends, i'll be right by his side saying... i'll be there no matter what happens. NO matter wat happens CHAY JIAHAO i'll love you 4eva n i'll be there if u nid mi... *sobs* it's not juz words... if only u could return ur love to mi i promise you, i'll cherish you, it's been days i've been wondering if there would would be a day we lost contact.. i'll be sad difinetly.. but my love 4 u will nr fade.......

How To Forget Him???

2004-11-15T19:15:00.000-08:00

As YoU hEaRd aBoUt tHaT NAsTy gUy.. WaNnA SoMeThInG wOrSt? *sobs* I gAvE hIm 6PaGeS oF lEtTeR wHicH i wRoTe fOr hIm tHaT dAi... gUeSs wHaT? hE tOld mI tO gV hIm 4 dAySs tO tHiNk aBt iT. tO cOnSiDeR mI bAcK iN hIs aRmS. & i hV bEeN wOnDeRiNg iF hE rEaLi luV mI hE wOuLdn'T nId dAyS tO tInk.. hE sHoUlD rUn bAcK tO mY aRmS. AnD sEriOuSlY iT's nOt tOtAlLy mY fAuLt, hE sEeMs tO pUt tHe bLaMe oN mI.. I wAnTeD tO wAiT, cOz i tRuElLy LovE hIm, u nOe hOw mUcH i'vE ReGrEtTeD gEtTiNg mAd aT hIm. i sOoO rEgReTtEd... i'vE sHeD lK a tHoUsAnD tEaRs fOr hIm n yEt hE cOuLd dO sUcH a NaSty TiNg, hE pAtCh bacK wIf hIs eX~ OMG!!! i WaS liKe... nOnOnO.. dIs cOuLdn'T hApPeN, HaLf oF mI wAs gLaD fOr hIm aS i wAn hIm bE hApPy wIf tHe gEr hE cHoOsEs tO bE... dEn tHe HaLf oF mI wAs liKe... mY hUrT hAd bEeN NumB... iTs liKe nUtTin ElSe cAn mAkE mI fEel a tInG nO mOrE, iT's JuZ tOo pAiNfUl. zIlLiOn oF kNifEs sTaBiNg rIgHt aT mY hEaRt, wEn i hEaRd tHe nEws hE n hIs eX wErE tOgEtHeR... i bUrSt oUt iN tEaRs... i rAn tO tHe NeAr bY tOiEt n cRiEd heAvIly... i'vE cRiEd sO mUcH fOr hIm n yEt hE haSn'T bEeN tOuChEd... i lOvE hIm sO n yEt hE cAn'T bE bOtHeReD... tElL hIm... hOw aM i GoNnA 4GeT hIm... HOW??? i'Ll hV tO aVoId gOiNg dOwN tO bEdOk.. i CaN'T sEe hIm aNyMorE.. iT'Ll bE sO pAiNfUl tO sEe sOmEoNe i tRuElY mAdLy dEePlY lOvE cAn'T bE wItH mE... i'M dEePlY hUrT oNcEs aGaIn... *sobs* hOpE tHiS wIlL bE mY lASt dRoPs oF tEaRs fOr hIm... i'Ve dElEtEd hIm fRm mY MSN n mY fRdStEr.. bUt i cAn'T sEeM tO dElEtE hIm fRm mY mInD n HeArT... He hAs tAkEn mI aWaY... hOw cAn i pOsSibLy nOt 4gEt tHe dAyS i sPeNt wIf hIm... i lOvE hIm sO... i hOpE iN tImE i'Ll fOrGeT hIm sOoN... i rEaLly HOPE!!! *my last tears for him* *cries* (-_-;)

I Was Hurt Again !!!

2004-11-13T00:34:00.000-08:00

hMmM dIs iSsSh mY fIrSt tImE rItTiNg hErE... wElL.. i wAs hUrT aGaIn On 10th NovEmBeR, aNd iT wAsn't mY 1sT tImE bEiNg pLaYeD. i hAtE bOys/gUyS. tHeY tOtAlLy sTiNks mAn...

* GET OUT RIGHT NOW, IS THE END OF U AND ME,

IT'S TOO LATE, AND I CAN'T WAIT FOR U TO B GONE,

CAUSE I NOE, ABT HER, AND I WONEDER,

HOW I BOUGHT ALL THOSE LIES,

SAID THAT U COULD TREAT MI RIGHT,

BUT IS JUST A WASTE OF TIME. *

HaISsS... lEt mI tELl u wAt hApPeN... tHe 1St pErSoN i'vE eVeR lOvE sOoO dEepLy wHicH i lOsT tO n wHiCh iS mY lOnGeSt... i lOvE hIm dEaRlY... bUt sOmEtHinG wAs bLockiNg mI fRm hIm... hE wAs aN SeX mAnIaCt, u NoE nOt? hE lOvE mI lOtS tOoO... i nOe wE wIlL lAsT n gEt mArRiEd.. hE aLwAyS tOlD mI hE wAnNa mAkE mI pReGnEt sO i cOuLd bE hIs!! bUt hE wAs gOiNg tOoO faR.. i HaTe sEx lOaDs.. bUt hE lOvEs iT... hE cOuLd eVeN fOrCe oN mI, hE cOuLd eVeN dO iT wEn i'M sLeEpInG. AnD hE wAs liKe rEaLly UsElEsS hE dIdn'T wOrK oR aNiTiNg... i fElT tErRiBlE.. iTs jUz nOt tHe rItE wAy a gUy sHoUlD tReAt a gEr dIs wAy... iT wAs sIlEnCe tOrTuRe fOr mI sIa... rEaLly iT wAs... i cOuLdn'T tAkE iT nO mOrE dOuGh i lOvE hIm lOaDs bUt... hAiS.. dO u eXpEcT mI tO kIp sTaYiNg liKe dIs... iTs a tOrTuRe, hE nOeS hOw i fEeL aNd yEt he rEfUsE tO cHaNgE. i'Ve liKe gIvEn mAnY cHaNcEs lIaOs bUt hE jUz dOeSn't aPprEcIaTe wAt i'vE dOnE fOr hIm... tHe tHinGs i'Ve gOnE tRu foR hIm... i rEaLly lOvE hIm lOtS iT wAs lIkE zILLiOn oF kNifEs sTaBbInG mY hEaRt aLl aT oNe tImE. tHe fEeLiNg wAs liKe... *OUCH* it rEaLly hUrTs liKe mAd... N tO tOt i'Ll fInD sOmEoNe bAtTa... dIs lAtEsT gUy i'Ve bEeN sEeInG... hE hUrT mI rEaL dEeP. i cRiEd eVeRy sInGlE niGhTs tIll nOw teArS sTiLl fLoW... wE bRoKe uP oN 10th NoVeMbEr.. i bRoKe wIf hIm... WaNnA nOe y? wE sTaRtEd quArReLlInG iN tHe eVeNinG aFtEr hIs wOrK.. iT wAs a sMaLl qUaRrEl oVeR sOmEtHiNg i dIdn'T liStEn tO hIm cOz i wEnT oUt lAsT nItE wEn hE aLrEaDy tOlD mI hE dIsApPrOvE.. sO i wAs lIkE aPoLogIsiNg tO hIm n He wAs lK dUlAn... cOz hE hAd hIs pRobLeMs n i had mInD tOoO... i hAd FaMiLy pRoBLeMs. i wAs aLrEadY fAn eNuFf lIaOs.. dEn hE lIkE dUn cArE aBt mI aLwAyS lEaViNg mI oUt... aLwAyS wIf hIs fReN, n wEn i telL hIm hE sAyS i wAs tOo sEnSiTivE, dEn oN dAt dAi 10th nov.. i wAs cRyInG aS i wAs tOo stReSseD oUt.. hE iNsTeAd oF CoNsOlInG mI hE sHoUt aT mI sCoLdInG mI kNn.. cB... n aLl dAt sTuFF *toot* ... i wAs dAmN hUrT, hE dIdn'T sHoW hE wAs cOnCeRn aBt mI... dEn hE wAlKs aWaY gIvInG aTtItUdE.. dEn i wAs liKe... he mY sTeAd lEhS y tReAt mI aS tHoUgH i'm nOt... hAiSsS... deN aS i wAlK pAsS mAcDoNaLd wHeRe hE wAs sItTiNg dErE... gUeSs wAt hE wAs dOiNg? he wAs lAuGhiNg aWaY wIf hIs fReNs nOe aNoT. i wAs liKe bUrSt iN fLaMeS... haIs dEn wOrDs cAmE oUt oF My mOuTh wHeRebY i dIdn'T meAn iT lOhSs.. i sAiD i wAnNa bReaK dEn hE wAs liKe bReAk.. bReAk lOhS!!! i wAs burSt in TeArs. hAiS dEn he sAiD hE rERgRetTeD bReAk wIf hIs eX lOhS... i wAs sO dUlAn i wEnT tO tOiLeT n hIt asGaInSt tHe wAlL n tIll nOw mY nUckLe sTiLl bLuE bLaCk... hAiS.. hE rEtUrN mI mY letTer i gV hIm dEn i tOrE tHe lEtTeR iNfOrNt oF hIm cOz mY mInD wAsn'T iN mY heAd i wAs lIkE sO fUsTrAtEd lOhS... i rEaLly diDn'T meAnT iT... dEn tHe nXt dAi pAsS... i misS hIm lots. i lurbB hIm sO mucH.. i rEgReTtEd aLl dAt i hv dOnE bUt iF he wOuLdn'T haD sAiD hE regReTtEd bReAkInG dAt parT i wOuLdn'T be sOoO bOiLeD uP LohssS... dEn wEn i tOlD hIm i wAnNa pAtCh hE sAiD i tReAt hIm liKe toY.. waNnA bReAk dEn bReAk dEn wANnA pAtCh dEn pAtCh hAiS... i wAs feeLiNg sO hUrT aFtEr he sAiD dAt... i meaN iS lIke tHis tYpE tInG he aSo caN sAy oUt mEn... hAiS... sO hUrT... dEn i WrOtE a sIx pAgEs leTtEr tO hIm dEn hE sAiD tO hIs bRo tO telL Mi.. tElL sTePhAnIe i wOn'T pAtCh wIf hEr dEn tHe bRo hLp mI sAy sHe hLp u rItE 6 paGeS lEtTeR lEhSsS dEn he wAs lIkE sOoO her pRobLeM lA... OMG!! i wAs liKe hUrt aGaIn... dEn i aCtUaLly wAnTed teaR tHe letTeR cOz i nOe he wIlL tEaR iT sTiLl... bUt i cOuLdn'T bArE tO tEaR iT... i'vE pUt lOtS of hArD wOrK oN iT. sO i dEcIdEd gV a tRy gIvInG hIm tHe lEtTeR, He tOok iT n i cAuGht hIm rEaDiNg iT... i wAs Wahahaha!! sOoO hapPy... bUt dEn sUmTiNg cHaNgEd mI fRm hApPy tIlL hUrT aGaIn... hIs bRo tOlD mI hE jIoInG aNoThEr gEr aLrEaDy n sAy hE wOn'T pAtCh wIf mI nOr hIs aNoThEr eX... hAisSS... dEn sUdDeNlY a mSg cAmE iN fOr mI sAYiNg tElL sTefIe gV mI 4 dAyS tO tInK, tElL her dUn sAd lIaOs... dEn i wAs liKe sO hapPy bUt aBiT cOnFusE... iZzIt cOz hE nId tHe fEw dAyS tO sEe wHeThEr tHe gEr gT aCcEpT hIm or nOt or iZzIt he rEaLi nId tImE tO tInK... iF sO y dId he TeLl hIs bRo aLl tHaT, y???? hAiSsS... i'M rEaLlY hUrT n cOnFuSe??? sHoUld i wAiT fOr hIm oR nOt??? hAiSsS wAt iF hE wAnNa plAy mI OuT wAt iF hE wAnNa hUrT mI aGaIn?? hAiSsS.... I can't BaRe tO hUrT mYsElF aGaIn... dUn wIsH tO cRy aNyMoRe... HaIs....

DIs Is WaT i WrOtE iN fRdStEr yStDaI fOr hIm...

this is a story...

written specially for Chay JiaHao #12

whether its sad.. hurting... painful...

i nid to share it out, or it realli hurts mi deep...

it'll be the truth n nth but the truth...

it all cums frm the bottom of my broken heart...

i was hurt again on 10 november...

i nr meant to hurt jiahao... but i was fustrated, i was angry, i was pissed off... i was out of control. i had family problems.. my family was sending mi back to gers home... for reasons... not cumin hm on time... i was in the wrong. i did sumting i knew i'll regret... i broke up wif jiahao... i didn't meant it. i vend my whole force of anger on him... i cried painfully as i tot of leaving him wen my mother wanna send mi in. i couldn't bare to leave him.. i cried heavily. at dat moment he had many problems too... he vended his anger on mi too... we both vended on each other, i didn't realise till now... i've did somethings i shouldn't hv done. by toring the letter infornt of u. but i was angry wen u said u regretted breaking wif samantha ur ex. did u noe how much meaning u hv sent to my heart. that sentence was too much for mi to handle... i was already shrek out. n u had to add to it. i realise i was angry wen u said dat n thats y i thore the latta in ur eyes. i had to action abit or else, i feel so lost. i'm deeply sorry i did dat. but i hope u understand my situation. i nr meant to... =( and i reali understand wat ur going tru alot... i reali do... i dun mind u not spending time wif mi 24/7... i understand u hv work to do. its ur duty. i truly support the things u do... but one thing puzzles mi, after work... the times we spent is lk 10% n the times u spent playing games n spending time wif ur frens is lk 90%... dats wat bothers mi... i wanted to tell u dis... but u were so hot dat dai n i was cryin.. u didn;t console mi instead u yell at mi... scoldin mi all types of volger language... did u noe how much dat hurts mi... and wen i was still in pain, u were at macdonald laughing away wif ah fiq... did u noe how angry i was. u lk giving mi dat can't be bothered attitude... i was deeply hurt by ur actions... i hv my wrongs.. and i admitt it. how abt u? i'm reali sorry n i hope wat eva dicisions u make will make ur ownself happy.. coz i reali do wanna see u happy...

lots of love,

stephanie #26

I'M SO HURT !!!!!!!!!!!!

2004-10-29T04:26:00.000-07:00

blah blah... testing..